


This Many

by AnonEhouse



Category: Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-03
Updated: 2012-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-02 23:28:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/374567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Magic-- always an interesting combination. Fortunately, he's got Steve to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Many

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Oh, hey," Tony said as he flew in the Iron Man suit toward the Scarlet Witch, ready to repulsor-blast the forming Hex-globe, whatever the heck it was around her hands, away from Captain America, "love your dress. Ever have a wardrobe malfunction? I hope you're wearing pasties under that top."

The Hex-globe changed color as the repulsor-blast hit, turning a rather pretty shade of sky-blue as it blew up quite a bit like what happens when a kid drops a match into a box of fireworks, not that Tony's ever done that. The Scarlet Witch staggered back. Quicksilver flashed in, grabbed her and disappeared with her. Tony had a moment to congratulate himself that he had once again saved the day making America safe for mom, apple pie and hunky blue-eyed blonds before the pyrotechnics engulfed the suit.

***

"Ow," Tony said after the sparkles faded. He noticed he was lying flat on his back and Jarvis was apparently a little fried, because he was singing,"Twinkle, twinkle, little star' in Tony's ears. "Like a tea-tray in the sky," Tony commented as someone opened the faceplate on his helmet.

"What?" Captain America said, looking down at him.

"It's from Alice in Wonderland," Tony explained. 

"Is he all right?" a de-Hulked Bruce asked from somewhere past Captain America, which meant he was invisible, because all Tony could see was Cap.

"I landed on my butt. Kiss my boo-boo?" Tony grinned up at Cap who rolled his eyes. "He's fine," Cap said, and gave Tony a hand to help him get back up to his feet.

"Yeah, sure. I'm a big boy, I fall on my butt and get right back up." Tony looked around. The villains were all gone. Central Park wasn't too much the worse for wear. "Hey, Cap, wanna go for a cheeseburger?"

"Iron Man..." Cap sighed as he often did when talking to Tony. "We need to get back to headquarters. We're trying to figure out where the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are going to strike next."

"Oh, all right." Tony turned his back to Cap. "C'mon, I'll give you a piggyback ride."

Cap took hold of Iron Man's shoulders. "Are you ever going to grow up, Tony?"

"Maybe? Probably. I don't know. Not growing up worked out for Peter Pan." Tony shuffled to make sure Cap was holding on tight, and then he triggered the jet-boots. "Wow! I always love that."

***

"Hey," Tony said after they landed at headquarters, "Can I borrow your shield, Cap? I wanna play with it."

"No, Tony." Cap said firmly. "You are not going to try to carve pieces off of it to reverse-engineer it. I like it the way it is."

"Sharing is caring!" Tony shouted before he clattered off to remove the Iron Man suit. "Just for that, I won't let you see the new toys I'm working on!"

Cap waved a hand at Tony's back. "Sure you won't."

***

"Tony." Cap tapped his code on the glass door to Tony's workshop. It didn't open. "Tony, are you coming out?"

Tony didn't look up from where he was welding something small and round and shiny. His hands had band-aids all over them. "No! I'm busy." He waved his free hand at Cap. "Saving the world! You can't come in the Super Secret Clubhouse without the Magic Word."

"Lack of sleep can drive a man insane, you know." Cap shook his head and went away.

***

At two in the morning, the light in the kitchen was uncomfortably bright as Steve came in for a glass of milk before going to bed. Tony had continued to refuse to leave the workshop for the last two days, leaving Steve to handle all the emergency briefings with Fury. Which really wasn't at all unusual. What was unusual was just what an unbelievable mess the kitchen was in. Green slimy blobs trailed from the tipped over blender, along the counter and across the floor. "Tony is a pig," Steve muttered as he picked up the blender and put it in the sink to soak. Some of the green got on his hand. Out of curiosity, he sniffed it. "Pistachio milkshake? Huh, I thought it was health food." He got a cloth and wiped up most of the mess in the kitchen before following the trail of drips into the living room.

Tony was sprawled on the carpet in front of the largest monitor, wearing plaid pajama bottoms. He was sound asleep and hugging something very like Steve's shield, except that it was the size of a dinner plate, and had what looked suspiciously like remote control repulsors mounted on it. There was pistachio caught in his goatee, which was grease-streaked, bristly and unkempt, as was his hair. Godzilla and Mothra were screaming at each other from the monitor, lit by the soft blue light of Tony's arc reactor. Steve sighed and turned off the monitor. "Tony." No reaction. "Tony. Get up and go to bed like a normal human being." Tony twitched, hugged his mini-shield tighter and continued sleeping. Steve rolled his eyes. "Fine. Work yourself to death, see if I care." Steve picked Tony up, shield and all. Tony snuffled and turned to press his face against Steve's chest, smearing pistachio on his shirt. 

"Mmmm... Steve?" Tony sounded wiped out. "Made you a new toy."

"Yeah, I see that. Thanks." 

"Get the bad guys." Tony opened his eyes and smiled at Steve. "You're my hero." And then he fell asleep again.

Steve laughed softly. He carried Tony to his room and dumped him in bed, and then, because he was basically a decent man, got a damp washcloth to rinse the pistachio off Tony's beard. Tony roused slightly at that and blinked up at Steve. "Goodnight kiss?"

"Wow, whatever you put in your milkshakes must be strong." Steve grinned and dropped a blanket over Tony. "Go to sleep."

From under the blanket, Tony said, "You could at least tuck me in."

"Go to sleep!" Steve patted Tony on the chest. "You can't conquer the world in the morning if you don't sleep."

"Mmm... can't conquer the world...not allowed to cross the street by myself." Tony pulled the covers back and looked down at his chest. "Oh, hey. I have a night light. Cool."

"You are so loopy. Sleep, Tony." Steve shook his head and left the room.

***

Steve woke when a heavy weight landed on his chest. "WHAT?" He sat up, ready to fight for his life, twisting to fling off his attacker.

"OW! You hurt me!"

"Tony?" Steve looked over the side of his bed. Tony was lying on the floor with the mini-shield next to him.

"I just wanted to surprise you!" Tony sat up, wrapped his arms around himself and started crying. 

Steve stared at him. "Erm. Tony. What have you been drinking?" He sniffed, but couldn't smell any alcohol. "Or eating... or, I don't know... breathing in any weird chemicals?" 

Tony kept crying and shaking his head.

Steve got out of bed and touched Tony's neck. "You don't feel feverish and your pulse seems normal. What's wrong, Tony?"

Tony flung his arms around Steve's neck and continued sobbing hysterically.

Steve had a horrible thought. Tony had been weirder than normal ever since their last encounter with the Scarlet Witch. "Um. Tony. How old are you?"

Tony didn't stop crying, but he held up his right hand and wiggled his fingers. "This many."

"Oh, crap."

"That's a bad word." Tony sniffled damply against Steve's chest.

Steve sighed.

***

Steve called the Avengers into the living room to discuss the situation. Tony insisted on sitting on his lap, hugging him. "This isn't what it looks like," Steve said as the others entered the room.

"It isn't?" Bruce asked, yawning and running his fingers through his hair. 

Clint looked at Natasha. They both shrugged.

Thor scratched his chest. He had forgot to put on pants. Again. "I shall bring refreshments." He wandered off towards the kitchen. 

"I like cherry Pop-tarts!" Tony called after him. Then he smiled and kissed Steve on the cheek. 

No one said anything as they sat down on the couch and chairs scattered around the room. Steve cleared his throat. "Tony thinks he's five years old."

"Five and a half," Tony corrected, cuddling against Steve's chest. 

"Five and a half," Steve said with a sigh. Tony rewarded him with another kiss on the cheek.

"Right, so Stark is five years old," Clint said. "That's different in what way?"

"Well, for one thing, obviously he can't operate the Iron Man armor," Natasha remarked.

"Can so," Tony said. "Easy peasy. I'll show you!" He started to get up, but Steve grabbed him and held onto him. "No, Tony! You can't."

Tony scrunched up his face.

"Don't start crying again!" Steve looked desperately at the others, wordlessly pleading for assistance.

Bruce said, "It's like rides at the amusement park, Tony. You have to be so tall before you can go on them."

Tony looked at Bruce, considering. "How tall?"

"As tall as Steve."

Tony pouted and swung his feet. "Not fair. No one is as tall as Steve."

Thor came in and handed Tony a Pop-tart, cooked by mini-lightning. It was scorched a bit around the edges. "Thankoo," Tony said politely before breaking the Pop-tart in half and trying to lick out the center without eating the pastry.

"Thor is as tall as I am," Steve pointed out. He tried to ignore the Pop-tart mess.

"No, he isn't." Tony cuddled close. "Want some Pop-tart? It's good."

Thor sat down and grinned at Tony. "There is no need for undue haste to restore our comrade to man's estate. I have sufficient Pop-tarts."

Steve groaned. "I'm glad you're all enjoying this, but what if the longer we wait, the more likely this is to be permanent?" Steve patted Tony on the back. Tony grinned. "Just think about that for a moment. He is still a technical genius. But has even less impulse control. He could do... anything."

Tony smiled sweetly at Steve and then grinned at the others. His mouth was cherry red. "Tell Natasha not to look under her pillow." He turned his eyes innocently towards Clint. "Clint can look under his."

Steve sighed. "Tony, if you blow up any of your teammates, you can't have any more Pop-tarts."

***

"NOOOO," Tony screamed and clung to Steve's waist, peering out from behind him. "NOOOO, no, NOOOOOO!"

Doctor Strange looked mildly taken aback. An eyelid twitched and his cape swirled dramatically. "Perhaps you could return at a later time." 

"I'm sorry, Doctor Strange," Steve apologized as he tried to pry Tony loose without hurting him. "As you can see, Tony's not himself."

"No DOCTORS! NO NEEDOOS! NOOOO!" 

"He's not that kind of a doctor, Tony. No needles."

"Promise?" Tony moved just far enough to look up into Steve's face. "Cap'in America has to keep his promises."

"I promise," Steve said. "No needles."

***

Tony sniffed and sniveled and hung on tightly to the mini-shield while he stood within a circle of purple candles. His eyes were huge and he was trembling, but he stayed where Steve had put him. Dr. Strange made sweeping gestures that filled the dark room with glitter and chanted words that didn't have enough vowels. Steve stood where Tony could see him and kept nodding and smiling.

A blast of purple smoke coincided with Strange's last words, totally obscuring Tony. A spider fell from the ceiling. There was a faint scent of Scotch. 

"Tony?" Steve waved his arms. The smoke cleared. Tony was sprawled on the floor, still barefoot, holding the mini-shield and dressed only in pajama bottoms. He looked up at Steve.

"I landed on my butt. Kiss my boo-boo?" And then he grinned, and it wasn't the expression of a five year old. "My hero."

**Author's Note:**

> I am so winging it here. Please forgive a) any differences between this and the Avengers movie, which hasn't yet opened. and b) any differences between the comic characters which I haven't read in lo, these many years.
> 
> Sometimes you gotta write before you can read.


End file.
